10 reasons i’ve got to finish my phd thesis.
1. because I started it.
2. because I want to move on in life.
3. because it bores me (and thus will develop my patience-perseverance).
4. because it has good stuff in it that some people will be interested in reading.
5. because I want a job.
6. because/so I know I can do it. (I rock!)
7. because it is about time.
8. because people around me will get to know a nicer me.
9. because I need to in order to properly consider my next steps.
10. just like that 
the webbing of a hundred roots.
Ich kreise um Gott, um den uralten Turm,
und ich kreise jahrtausendelang;
und ich weiß noch nicht: bin ich ein Falke, ein Sturm
oder ein großer Gesang.
[…]
Doch wie ich mich auch in mich selber neige:
mein Gott ist dunkel und wie ein Gewebe
von hundert Wurzeln, welche schweigsam trinken.
Nur, dass ich mich aus seiner Wärme hebe,
mehr weiß ich nicht, weil alle meine Zweige
tief unten ruhn und nur im Winde winken.
The only poetry book I took to Romania this autumn was Rilke’s Stundenbuch. I love the following: ‘yet no matter how deeply I go down into myself, my God is dark, and like a webbing made of a hundred roots, that drink in silence’. I cannot say how much.
I rage a lot, I push and thrust and burn and break down. I seek to understand with all my powers. but I cannot grasp what is beyond the little logic I stumble with. Love in the dark. What if it is so.
What if it is so that That Which Sustains Life must remain within the glorious haze, within the earthen scented soil, within the tissues of our hearts that may never truly understand. What if it is so that That Which Sustains Life adores riding me through shuddering waves of regret and valleys of emotional rage and through the still deserts of my crumbling sanity. What if it so that his is Her cruel though dead effective way of making me cross thresholds that I would not cross in my fear and lowliness. Transformation is no longer as threatening looked at this way. I embrace uncertainty, I make you the only still centre in the universe. The one miraculous spot where the pendulum hovers and shivers.
I accept. I accept the storms and the darkness and the sweetness of the contraries they promise.
I am leaving tomorrow. Taking the long way to America.
trailblazing.
धैर्य लक्ष्मी
The swift had been on her way for years, noticing time creep up only in the bitter hours before dawn. The thirst for learning was not the sole source of her being’s joy. She admitted this only on occasion, when in a safe place, and when her being was not terraced by her racing breath. She had been blessed with abundance and a love of learning, but had gotten so used to the grind that it took her a long while to tell the effects of wear and at times obstinate toil from this new radiance that had come about so unexpectedly.
The force of the impact even from this distance amazed her, as the blaze touched her spirit and made it all worthwhile.
Candide a lui Voltaire trimite salutari.
With luck and persistence, you will be able to claim the rewards promised you at the beginning of time–not just any old beauty, wisdom, goodness, love, freedom, and justice, but rather exhilarating beauty that incites you to be true to yourself; crazy wisdom that immunizes you against the temptation to believe your ideals are ultimate truths; outrageous goodness that inspires you to experiment with boisterous empathy; generous freedom that keeps you alert for opportunities to share your wealth; insurrectionary love that endlessly transforms you; and a lust for justice that’s leavened with a knack for comedy, keeping you honest as you work humbly to liberate everyone in the world from ignorance and suffering.
everybody’s bloggin about da wall.
as usual, i will follow suit. historic footage here for you youngsters. are we still working out the consequences of this day?
[insert exclamations of how time passes. boring.]
i also give you this ‘testbild’, something that has been irrecoverably lost on TV, methinks.
circles.
it’s been quite a rollercoaster to come back. not only did many people die in the village, but people seemed more destitute than two years ago in a weird way. of course, this is hard to assess in only two weeks, but this is the impression i got. what a horrible country. Part of me cannot wait to get away from here, and I can soothe my anger in some moments with the idea that I will leave in a months time. I am not sure what to think of that, but I just feel things are going quite wrong on all kinds of levels. And my anthropological hat doesn’t seem to fit at the moment. It’s itchy and I tend to fling it across the room or at a passing car, then picking it up and brush off the dust.
I still get quite emotional and everything affects me, but, strangely, I am no longer up for letting it make me stressed up to the point of illness. May be that makes me a bad anthropologist. I don’t know. The thing is that I’d much much rather be doing something that would make more sense to more people than anthropology. Trouble is now I have acquired (or well, will do sometime in 2010) this training for academia, and I didn’t focus on any other work for 4 years. So I feel like I am at a breaking point, as this still hasn’t been resolved. I am not sure if I am up for the race of 4-5 years spent in 5 different places.I think my health and sanity would break for good.
So I am thinking of moving to a place and then getting a job… but it’s all a bit much to deal with at the moment. I am not the best person for this job, as I’d much rather have my routine and my proper diet, and proper exercise possibility. I hope it will be ok. I am adamant I will keep my sanity this time. I cannot sacrifice everything for this job, this time round, like I did during my doctoral fieldwork.
pictured: stanley henry morton with pithhelmet (a kind of archetypal anthropological hat)
leaving scotland.
Leaving Scotland before the driech of November is difficult. I have come to love the crisp clarity of early autumn that many writers have taken as all that is most beautiful before it dies, all that is ripe before it is decaying. It is the point of balance that we all want to capture at its peak and prolong to infinity. We are desperate to learn about how the apex of maturity forms and builds up. We are less keen on experiencing how the coating on the shiny, tough edges start to peel. As rust builds underneath the surface, we may pass off the minor changes in skin texture as mere tiredness.
I miss you too much and the autumn mornings cannot soothe.
permaculture-education business.
i think i have accidentally hit on what i want to do post-phd. it feels right. my heart is racing just now.
it would combine major interests of mine: food, sustainable future, development/radical education.
it would also get me out of the desk-bound lifestyle i am leading now.
ideas?
joyful friday.
lots of reasons to be happy. what a ride it’s been this week. been to the depths of sadness and elated, inspired and bored and angry and playful. geeez. evening it all out? nae too sure about that at the moment.
i miss you already and look forward to your return. i hope the mountains are kind to you. i’ll get the burnt rice ready love.
this song accompanies me just now.
connections between people travel across meadows and cities. they’re what matters.
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